Okay, so I sorta need to tell someone about this, and no-one’s online. There’s this girl in school. She used to date one of my best friends last year. They were quite serious, but they broke up. Then she started dating some other guy in school. Now, they’re quite serious. I thought my friend still had feelings for her. So I hacked his account and started a conversation with that girl, without anyone knowing it was me. Went on and on, then she said something like she’d been young, and stupid, and now she’s happy with this guy so I (my friend) shouldn’t try anything. I showed my friend, and he thanked me, and said he was over her for good now.

Couple days later, she asked me if it was me on my friends account having that conversation with her. I said yes, she said she thought I was lying, to cover up for my friend. I made a bet with her. If I could prove it WAS me, she would kiss me. If it WASN’T me, I would go and apologise to everyone I’d ever been mean to, or some shit like that. Well, I proved it was me. And now I’m holding her up to her word.

 She’s been growing a guilty conscience and begged me not to do it, yadda yadda. I’m gonna do it. I don’t feel bad ‘cause she’s my friends ex, or ‘cause she’s in a serious relationship, or ‘cause of the idea of the girl I like so much. I may have had second thoughts about this, but I will see this through. I know it’s a fucked up move on my part, but it’s weird: I do this, and I can go back to being who I was, or who I wanted to be, or whatever: the badass in my story.

This was her a few days after the bet.

21:41:30I say: so, no bet, I think it's safe to assume?

21:41:48I say: you're really afraid of committment, aren't you?

21:41:52I say: LMAO. that was kinda ironic

21:42:06manwa says: How is it ironic?

21:42:18I say: nvm

21:42:22I say: answer the question

21:42:33manwa says: An ok am sure it wasnt u

21:42:40manwa says: Bets on

21:43:08I say: kiss against an apology?

21:43:34manwa says: An apology to evry1 uv evr hurt !

21:43:43I say: you name em, and I'll apologise

21:43:51I say: and if I'm right...a kiss

21:43:56I say: agreed?

21:44:00manwa says: Evry single prsn ill track all of them down dw -.-

21:44:07manwa says: Agreed


***

21:55:04manwa says: Ya thnx shimrez reali jks aside

21:55:07manwa says: Thnk u

21:55:14I say: for?

21:55:25I say: finally getting you guys to talk about it?

21:55:26manwa says: Helping him out

21:55:28I say: yeah


***

21:58:08I say: one of the reasons I told you, was so you wouldnt think you're kissing a jerk on Thursday

21:58:21I say: wait let me rephrase that, so you wouldnt think you were kissing a TOTAL jerk...

21:58:22I say:

21:58:28I say: and you cannot back out

21:58:36manwa says: >.<

21:58:37I say: so, Thursday then?

21:58:56I say: aaand, do me a favour, don't have a guilty conscience about it and tell all your friends and stuff

21:58:59I say: x)

21:59:57manwa says: Am nt lik tht

22:00:14manwa says: Honst

22:00:44I say: good

22:00:48I say: Thursday then?

22:01:36manwa says: Shrimez ur nt gna screw me ovr r u

22:01:41manwa says: I reali love aman

22:01:57manwa says: Id break down i cnt lose him

22:02:05manwa says: Nt now

22:02:10I say: the most I can promise is my promise of secrecy...and I can promise it wont be more than a kiss

22:02:14I say: hey, you kept a bet

22:02:22I say: and I intend on holding this one against you

22:02:24I say:

22:02:37I say: don't think about it too much, that's the trick

22:03:36manwa says: Ermm

22:04:02manwa says: How many of the girls in skool hav u kissed shimrez

22:04:22manwa says: Curiousity go the best of me >.<


***

22:13:31manwa says: I kno its reali rare for u to show this side of urs shimrez but u hav to kno am reali gald i got to see it

22:13:39manwa says: I mean ur not so bad after all

22:13:55manwa says: Y do u make ppl h8 u?

22:14:05I say: it's fun

22:14:18I say: Oscar Wilde said 'I shall be famous..if not, notorious'

22:14:27I say: that's my life in seven words

22:14:44I say: I'd muuuch rather be the bad guy in my story, sorta x)

22:16:29manwa says: The gud guy with the bad guys suit


***

22:35:08I say: some of the girls though you liked me in grade 10

22:35:13manwa says: Am cool lik tht

22:35:19manwa says: Ew -.-

22:35:36manwa says: Y wld thy say tht i used to h8 u cas u pickd on me

22:35:49manwa says: Will i ddn mean the ew

22:35:51manwa says: Am jus sayin

22:35:56manwa says: XD

Today, she got a bit shirty, so I sent her a reminder through Facebook messaging. Her boyfriend was on her account, so he got it. Now he’s pissed at her, and she’s miserable. This conversation took place today. I cut out all the useless parts.

manwa says:

shimrez stop it!

ur tlkin to aman on fb!

Shimrez says:

he started it -_-

manwa says:

fuck u!

Shimrez says:

easy, Manwa

manwa says:

thnx alot!

we jus strtd getin thing to work after wat u dd an now u ruind it agn!

i h8 u u kno tht

Shimrez says:

ME ?!

what the...

manwa says:

ur such a prick!

Shimrez says:

how did I ruin things 'before'

manwa says:

yes! u !

Shimrez says:

and how'd I ruin them now?

You have just sent a nudge.

Shimrez says:

well?

manwa says:

hes pissed at me

he says am to nice

Shimrez says:

I don't get it

oh, he thinks you're to nice to me, or something?

manwa says:

u copy pasted the convo to him on fb!

Shimrez says:

no I didnt

lmao

I copied it to you

manwa says:

yes u dd hes me on fb

am nt on my account

Shimrez says:

not my fault if you two share everything

I didnt show everything though

just a small bit

22:13:31manwa says: I kno its reali rare for u to show this side of urs shimrez but u hav to kno am reali gald i got to see it

22:13:39manwa says: I mean ur not so bad after all

22:13:55manwa says: Y do u make ppl h8 u?

22:14:05I say: it's fun

22:14:18I say: Oscar Wilde said 'I shall be famous..if not, notorious'

22:14:27I say: that's my life in seven words

22:14:44I say: I'd muuuch rath

thats all

manwa says:

i kno!

Shimrez says:

um, so?

he's pissed 'cause you were talking to me?

manwa says:

he jus went of an wont tlk to me

Shimrez says:

isn't that sorta like chaining you down kinda?

manwa says:

an yes u ruind it b4

Shimrez says:

hacking Gersh and shit? x)

manwa says:

yes

Shimrez says:

that was unintentional. I was bored

manwa says:

an agn wen i tlkd to gersh he got pissed i tld him about the bet

Shimrez says:

wow

so Aman knew?

and he didn't punch my face in?

manwa says:

yes he knew!

Shimrez says:

but he was pissed at you?

manwa says:

he wants to an now i think he is

yes cas i ddn tell him earlier

Shimrez says:

it's not my place to criticise, but think about that for a second

manwa says:

an now hes nt tlkin to me cas u had to ruin it i jus got it bac to normall !

Shimrez says:

he wants to what?

dude

if you have to try so hard to keep it together, you know you have an expiry date

manwa says:

amnt tryin its fine

Shimrez says:

manwa says:

 an agn wen i tlkd to gersh he got pissed i tld him about the bet

manwa says:

its jus he got pissed

Shimrez says:

manwa says:

 he jus went of an wont tlk to me

manwa says:

 hes pissed at me

manwa says:

 thnx alot!

 we jus strtd getin thing to work after wat u dd an now u ruind it agn!

all fine, eh

?

manwa says:

yes all fine

ur the reason its all messed up

Shimrez says:

I'd expect these problems 20 years into a regretful marriage

manwa says:

it was fne untill i had to tell him about out bet

Shimrez says:

why did you?

manwa says:

cas gershwin got involved

Shimrez says:

so?

manwa says:

an u u were gna screw me over

Shimrez says:

you coulda just said I did it for fun?

I was gonna screw you over?

manwa says:

its nt fun an i wld hav nver done it

Shimrez says:

no, I was going to kiss you and forget about it

I meant I hacked his account for fun

manwa says:

i wld hav nver kissed u in the first plce !

u reali think i wld

r u crazi!

Shimrez says:

hahahaa, a certain saved conversation says otherwise

manwa says:

wat am i !

Shimrez says:

the plan was to do it, and then make you miserable

manwa says:

i was tryin get u to fuck off shimrez

Shimrez says:

cuz you'd be more vulnerable AFTER you did it

hmm, guess your words will have to do the job

manwa says:

shimrez

listin

stop it

Shimrez says:

I'm sorry, I'm in jerk-mode

manwa says:

wat do u want from me>!

wat hav i dne to u?!

Shimrez says:

I want you to keep your bet

manwa says:

jus cas i was ur frinds ex?!

Shimrez says:

you havent done anything, nothing at all

lmao

I don't give a shit about that

manwa says:

Shimrez says:

I have nothing against you except your failing to keep to the bet

what I have is just collateral x)

hahaha, sounds business-ey like

manwa says:

stop it shimrez ur gna break me an aman up

Shimrez says:

not if you stay true to your word

I promise I will to my promise of keeping quiet

manwa says:

u wont ur gna screw me over rght after i do

Shimrez says:

I can do whatever it takes to make you feel I will keep to my promise

you can have my account details, delete the conversation if you want

but my word should be enough

I don't go back on my words, unlike a certain SOMEone x)

manwa says:

account now!

Shimrez says:

pfft

not until you go through with this

manwa says:

shimrez listin

Shimrez says:

yes?

manwa says:

pls

am beggin u aman means the world to me

if sumthing happns idk wat id do

pls help make things rght rght now

Shimrez says:

yadda yadda, that doesn't interest me at all

manwa says:

an ill do wat u say

manwa says:

shimrez stop pls

Shimrez says:

You go through with the bet, I delete the conversation, and nobody finds out, clean and simple

manwa says:

ive had engh in my life ok hes the only one i hav now an ur tkin him away from me

god ull never understnd

Shimrez says:

I wont

manwa says:

but pls shimrez

manwa says:

tell aman u lied to him tht the conv was eddited an ill do it

Shimrez says:

how about I don't tell HIM. but I sent another message to YOUR profile, like 'haha lol-age, that DID sound like you, didn't it Manwa. yadda yadda.'

manwa says:

k

Shimrez says:

then HE logs in with YOUR account, and sees it, and doesnt suspect a thing

manwa says:

but he deleted u an hes nt on

Shimrez says:

I will send YOU the message.

and woah

who said I'll do it tonight?

I want to finish our little bet first

I have the right to do so, 'cause you have a habit of going back on your word

I, however, solemnly swear I will do what I highlighted over the past few minutes

manwa says:

ok

Shimrez says:

so, when're you next coming to school?

honestly, it's like a rare occurnce to see you around x)

manwa says:

shrimez my life is worst than jus losing love

i lost a father a granddad an  icnt breath evrytym hes the only one i cnt 4get about stuff with

i kno ur gna hold things agnst me but i dnt care

thrusday

Shimrez says:

I shall see you then.

I'm not sure how you feel about me

beyond the 'I hate you' and shit

but I woouuld like to know

no use asking though

sooo

fair damsel in distress, Thursday awaits

later x)

manwa says:

shimrez

dnt u hav a heart?

hosntly

Shimrez says:

*sigh*

manwa says:

cn u do me a fav

pls

jus one

Shimrez says:

if I didn't I wouldnt be alive

you can name it, and I'll see if I'd like to keep to it

no promises

it better not hurt x)

well, Manwa, the unpromised favour?

waiiiiting...

manwa says:

nvm

Shimrez says:

oh cmoooon

manwa says:

u fuckd me over enfun

but

y me?

Shimrez says:

I haaaate when people do that

manwa says:

y do u wana kiss me?

Shimrez says:

why not?

one girls good as another

and you're situation is alot more interesting

but cmon, tell me what favour you were gonna ask

puh-leeeaaase

manwa says:

shmrez inbx now tht the thing was a fake

pls

he h8s me

aand, no.

you tell him it was a fake

do not show him my words

then later, I'll inbox you

and you show him, and say you were telling the truth all along, then have awesome make-up sex

manwa says:

he wont blv  me

Shimrez says:

exactly

so you plead your case, with no evidence

then I'll come in on Thursday

he'll see he was wrong to've been pissed, he'll apologise

and you can use that against him later on

'remember how pissed you got over nothing? it's just like that, chill out and gimme a big wet kiss'

heh

manwa says:

no it dosnt work lik tht he thinks i h8 hm

tht i dnt love him

Shimrez says:

then you can come to school tomorrow, give me what I want, and we get this over with faster than need be

manwa says:

inbox me tht it was fake now

pls

Shimrez says:

can't, Manwa

manwa says:

y!

Shimrez says:

yuou've gone back on your word wayy too many times

manwa says:

i honstly h8 u

i reali do

Shimrez says:

it'll work out

if not, yergh, lets not think about that x)

manwa says:

it wont

my fault is tht am to nice

look were it got me..

Shimrez says:

friend talk time

okay, dude, you ALWAYS seem wayyy too tensed out about your relationships

like, have some fun, man

that's what I look for

manwa says:

hav fun with a humans heart!

i hav no rght to!

Shimrez says:

and it doesn't necassarily mean sex, if thats what you're thinking

no I mean, have FUN

not always be cheesy and spend EVERY second with each other

get what I'm saying?

and stop thinking every boyfriends there to last

manwa says:

he is

if u dnt understnd sumthin it tlk bout it

Shimrez says:

understand you probably have an expiry date, and enjoy it until the timer gets to -

0*

huh?

manwa says:

u were wrng b4 an u r nw to

Shimrez says:

well, that's my opinion, might be wrong, dunno

but to ME, you seem tensed out alot more than you are happy

I'm tired. Turns out, the friends I thought would never fade away think I'm an arrogant dick who doesn't give a shit about them. It sucks cuz we're 1200 miles apart, so all I can do is send messages and stuff. A picture paints a thousand words, how many words to an idea? 

      I'll start from the beginning so it makes sense when I read this later on. A good friend of mine's been influenced by me, or so a friend says. All he talks about is drinking and shit, his marks are going down the drain, etc, etc. I think I HAVE been a bad influence now that I think about it: always egging him on, telling him to care as little as I did about anything. So my friend told me about all this, and sorta blamed me for it. Then she went on to say how little I cared about my friends. Came as a bit of a shock, cuz these friends were just about the only really stable aspect of my life. So yeah, I said I hoped she was the only one who thought so, and she said, no, plenty of other's did too. That reaaally sucked. Since then I've been a tad bit...insecure. For 2 weeks, I've been DYING to go back to Pk: I'm sick and tired of this fucking shithole. They say the grass is always greener on the other side...well, this side got boring, and I'll take my chances with the other side, even if the grass isn't as green. So I was looking forward to seeing all my friends, spending ridiculous amounts of time with them and all...and then this. I tried convincing her she was wrong, but it felt fake. If my actions somehow converyed that I didn't care, then even the noblest of words would turn out to be hollow. She digressed, and said she misunderstood, or something to that effect, and assured me not everyone thinks that way. Relief? Not much.

        And then there's this girl. About a week ago, I finally thought to myself, enough sluts, slags and fucking whores...it gets boring. This came after the realisation that I liked a girl. Usually, I'm confused about this, and wait a couple days before it just goes away. I've waited close to 7 years, 2555 days. I can honestly say I liked her the first time I met her, and it's never changed. It may not be on the top of my head, but I can say without exaggerating that the thought is always there. I'm trying to just stay calm about this, and hope a couple more days before it dies down. It would be stupid to do anything seeing how we're in different continents, and we've tried that before, didn't work. So hopefully, we plan to go to either the same Uni together, or very close ones. If this hasn't died down by then, I'll make something happen; just, not now. Alot still confuses me though. The whole sex with a slut issue. I feel not a scrap or shred of guilt, but I DO hate talking about it with her. I wish she could know I like her, without me saying or confirming it, that would make it so much easier. I have NO interest in ANY of the girls here. Might be temporary, but I haven't second-glanced even the hottest girls around. I can wait.

 I didn't think I'd have this identity crisis at this point in life, it's either the early teens, or the mid 40's. And where my identity is concerned, I've tried being very stable for the past three years. Now I'm just confused. I can't get over the fact that anyone even insinuated I don't care about my friends, no matter how many miles there are between us. I HAVE changed, I know it. I know what I've changed into, but not what I changed from. If I can remember that, I can go back, or at least, try to.

Here's an email I sent to a friend in Pk a long time back:

Heyy, :)
        I can't tell you how much I wish I could scrap everything from the time you sent that email to now, and throw it in the bin. I was just going through my oooldest emails, quite nostalgic, but it was fun. Maybe I can't remember that well, but everything seemed soooo simple back then...almost 2 dimensional compared to nowadays' intricate 3-D world. I prefer the 2-D times. Everyone's changed, no one as much as me. I don't like that =P Honestly, I think you're one of the few who's remained stable throughout the passtt, how many years? Which is good, because I make friends with people for what they are, not what they WILL be in a couple years time. Man, you're email seems like it was sent a billion years ago. I can't relate to it anymore.  I've got butterflies in my stomach and my eyes are burning x) Weird, huh?

I can't honestly say I would like to go back to how things were 3 years ago, 'cause the grass DOES seem greener on the other side. I'm giving this a couple more days, and then ... back to stone.

UpTheIrons.